Knowing the difference between loving someone and wanting him/her to do what you want doesn’t mean that you can’t ask for what you want. You can, knowing that his/her answer has nothing to do with his love for you. You’ll discover that asking is much eas­ier when it’s free of hidden agendas.

And when he/she realizes that whatever he/she answers is fine with you, an amazing intimacy can open for you both.

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Exercise: An Honest No

Honest communication begins with you communicating with yourself. It means responding with what is true for you, regardless of how someone may react to your answer. First you have to dis­cover what is really true for you. A dishonest yes is a no to yourself.

Try this exercise. Imagine simply saying no when you feel torn by a request. Look at what you think would happen, write down the fearful thoughts that arise, and question them, especially the ones that wound like “if I say no, he won’t love me” or “If I say no, she’ll think I don’t love her.

quoted from “I Need Your Love — is that true? by Byron Katie