October
15
What is the most important aspect of a good relationship?
• Harmony?
• Understanding each other?
• Working together?
• Being in one line?
• Cooperating?
The reality is none of theses make for a good relationship.
The only thing, can that affect the quality of your relationship is, the one you are having with yourself…everything else is the effect of that relationship on relationship.
The ability to stay in your own business, to see what is true for you, and to be honest with yourself…and leave others alone…Gives you what you really want (a kind, loving life). Staying in you own business see what is really true for you, and being honest with yourself. That is the real challenge. Not getting the other to be different then they are, that is hopeless…
From: The 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen R. Covey.
We began to realize that if we wanted to change the situation, we first had to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.
If you have the right map of Chicago, then diligence becomes important, and when you encounter frustrating obstacles along the way, then attitude can make a real difference. But the first and most important requirement is the accuracy of the map.
Each of us has many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories: maps of the way things are, or realities, and maps of the way things should be, or values. We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps. We seldom question their accuracy; we’re usually even unaware that we have them. We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be.
And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of those assumptions. The way we see things is the source of the way we think and the way we act.
The more aware we are of our basic paradigms, maps, or assumptions, and the extent to which we have been influenced b by our experience, the more we can take responsibility for those paradigms, examine them, test them against reality, listen to others and be open to their perceptions, thereby getting a large picture and a far more objective view.
Each of us tends to think we see things, as they are, that we are objective. But this is not the case. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are–or, as we are conditioned to see it. When we open our mouths to describe what we see, we in effect describe our perceptions, our paradigms, and ourselves. When other people disagree with us, we immediately think something is wrong with them. But, the demonstration shows, sincere, clearheaded people see thing differently, each looking through the unique lens of experience.’
The expectation that the other should respect, understand and even know what you mean or want is an illusion…a painful and frustrating illusion.
If you truly want to come out of suffering, come out of pain, out of conflict and live in really intimacy…come back home to your self. Because, there is only one place all of that suffering occurs and that is within you…(who is experiencing your pain? you are!)
You cannot change the other, your partner, your child, your boss, your family…so who is there left to change the person closest to you, you!
How do you do that?
The best way, I know is to investing what your are thinking in the moment. Question your thoughts, put them on paper (Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet from Byron Katie. Once questioned and seen. Your internal world changes, everything changes…Nothing is the same because you are not the same, you can not believe what you think any more, you can not believe what you have been believing.
How do you do that?
How do you come away from what you believe your painful story? There are four amazing, wonderful provoking, questions from the work of Byron Katie, to ask your self:
The 4 questions and the turnaround are:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do react when you believe that thought?
What happens?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Turn that thought around.
Find three genuine examples of this turnaround that are as true or truer then the ordinal statement.
On the surface theses question seem too simplistic to easy.
“Is it really possible that something can change from such simple questions?” If you answer these questions from the core of your being, from the heart, that means, going in and wait for the answer to appear, see what the answer really is, then it all changes.
My partner should understand me simply become come not true.
I should understand my partner become truer.
I should understand myself becomes ever truer.
My partner should not understand me also become truer.
These turn arounds at the end of the 4 questions is very liberating.
Gone is the pressure to have them different then they are…
Gone is the pressure to make them something they are not.
Come experience the power of the work…for yourself.
You come to understand you are the one to make the relationship be what it is or isn’t.
What is teamwork, when each person understands it’s in his or her high-test interest to live a harmonizes, caring, loving life. And it has nothing to do with the other…
It does not mean there will not be drama and misunderstanding and regressions, it does mean you with have the skill and the tool, to return to your self and be at peace with what is.
Call me: +31646265421
If you like to have an amazing experience of the work…
If you would like to learn the work of Byron Katie
Check her out on: www.byronkatie.com
“We are the innocent cause of our own suffering” BK
Love sharing this with you.
Sagar
Sagar is trained Gestalt therapist, Hypnotherapist, Certified Facilitator of “The Work™ of Byron Kate” and a Masters in Science of Guidance and Counseling, Sagar has been working with individuals and leading groups and workshops in the private sector and the corporate world internationally for over 25 years. He has staffed many courses and workshops given by Byron Katie.